Dear Adam,
Today started as usual, like every day in the “after”, crawling out of our beds with a sense that something is awfully wrong, looking at our phones and seeing the texts that portray normality but carry a more veiled message. “Good morning” and “How are you today” meant just that in the “before” but we know the secret meaning of these everyday benign messages. In the “after” they mean, “I miss him”, “I’m thinking about him”, and “I hope I can get through the day”. We check in. We check in because the world doesn’t seem familiar anymore.
We remember your laugh, weird, eh? If we close our eyes, in the silence we can hear it, it is like you are in the same room. It has been written a thousand times if not more that “he lived an amazing life”. But Adam you actually did it! You knew how to live in the “now”. Not a moment was wasted idly watching TV, you actually got up and did the things many of us just sit around thinking about doing. You lived every moment. As I am sure those who had the privilege of knowing you and to be part of your life can attest to. You did live your best life. Your appreciation of life and what it meant to be alive is something we strive for.
Adam, we are sorry. We made you a promise we could not and cannot keep, we tried. We promised you that we would take care of those most dear to you. But we cannot fix this, we have had to accept that some things that are broken may be mended but will never be whole again. We cannot alleviate their pain of losing you. Knowing someone from their first breaths, through infancy, into childhood and as a man and then losing them, puts a perspective on life that is indescribable to those who have not experienced it. It has been humbling. We will keep trying though.
These days our lives are divided into the “before” and the “after”. We remember you and smile and have brief moments of happiness. We look at pictures of you with the many fish you have caught and it brings warmth to our hearts. The “after” is too often filled with awkward silence and quiet tears.
For now we spend our days moving between the “before” and the “after” but one day Adam, we promise we will be in the “now”. However, for now wherever we go, and whatever may happen, there will always be a little boy on a quiet lake with a big smile fishing, in our hearts.
Until we meet again ❤️
Aunt Becky & Aunt Shelley
