Sault Canada wrestling fans lack class

[Editor's Note: Mark D. Mouth is a controversial professional wrestling reporter who hails from Crawford, Texas. His views do not necessarily represent those of SooToday.com. For strait reporting and pictures of this show, please see Cross-border wrestling feud at the Legion]

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Fans from Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, showed more class than their Canadian counterparts last night as wrestlers took to the ring at the Legion Hall.

The card featured well-respected American professional wrestlers from the Michigan-based Superior Wrestling Alliance (SWA) and Canadian barely-an-improvement-over-backyard-jobbers from the Northern Ontario Wrestling Alliance (NOWA).

Despite biased officiating and Canadian opponents who nearly bored him into submission, Valek emerged victorious over Big Daddy T in a battle royal. This kept NOWA's Sault Ste. Marie title on the American side, where it belongs.

"I won because I’m faster and it helped that Buckshot was around," the athletic rookie said in a press interview after his match.

When asked about his opponent outweighing him by a metric tonne or two, Valek stated: "I hopefully won’t be facing Big Daddy T again until he agrees to undergo lipo-suction."

Canadian wrestling fans remain uncertain whether their crumbling socialized healthcare system will cover the costs of the operation.

The athletic Brad Hexum was not so lucky. The Northern California endured libelous jeers about his sexual orientation from the neanderthal Canadian Sooites, only to "submit" after the four-eyed referee couldn’t tell the difference between tapping out and a push-up.

"I got screwed," Brad told SooToday. "The ref was playing favorites."

"The fans on the Canadian side show no respect and have poor taste," Brad added. "It was miserable wrestling in front of them."

The handful of smart fans at the show, all of whom hail from the American Sault, raised questions about the legality of Brad’s maple-leaf wielding opponent, Karl Karufel.

"I got bad glare off of Karl’s white pot belly," Brad explained. It was clear from Karufel’s ring physique that the Canadian champion had spent the winter hibernating off of one too many donut.

Glare was not a problem shared by Hornet. Between his hideously orange outfit and his tan skin, he looked like a tangerine. Like most Mexican wrestlers, he was looking to take a job from an American opponent.

CP Morgan also fell victim to biased officiating. Ever the gentleman and non-complainer, he is looking forward to the SWA’s September show on the American side.

"It’s said there’s gonna be some old WWE pros," Morgan said. "We’re gonna take it to these old timers."

The final match of the evening saw WD Gravelle tap out to Big Daddy T’s bear hug – a move that forced Gravelle to endure Big Daddy T’s body odor for several seconds. It was nevertheless several seconds more than this reporter could endure, and thus I was forced to vacate ring-side for most of the match.

Gravelle noted that the bear hug was rather appropriate as a submission move for Big Daddy T "who smells like a bear’s behind."

Fans of Mark D. Mouth may email him at MarkDMouth@gmail.com